I Keep Forgetting

Remember who you are.

I keep forgetting things will never be the same again

I keep forgetting how you made that so clear

I keep forgetting, baby

Michael McDonald’s I Keep Forgettin’ was playing on loop in my head. Oddly though, the breakup on my mind wasn’t romantic. The split I keep forgetting is the relationship with my past, inauthentic, self.

Two years ago, I dipped out of corporate life. After becoming bored and disillusioned and unable to find a suitable alternate position, I remembered my post-cancer vow: Stay focused on what makes you happy.

I spent far too much of my life feeling everything but happy; far too much time living according to the expectations of others. To the point where I no longer recognized myself. In fact, I’m convinced that constantly denying my own needs factored significantly in my breast cancer’s development. I’m also convinced that the determination to reclaim life on my own terms helped see me through.

So, when I finally remembered my vow, there was no alternative but to forge ahead. But, don’t be fooled. I was scared. I hadn’t been without some form of reliable income since I was 16. It took a lot of conversations with friends and advisors as well as a lot of self-coaching to place that bet on myself.

Once I had plotted out a clear map, things became easier, started falling into place. What was funny, though, was that every time I thought I was headed in one direction, another path appeared. For a while, I thought maybe my neurodivergence was distracting me, keeping me from reaching the final destination. What I realized is that my quirky brain isn’t a hindrance, but a beacon always guiding me back to my authentic self.

Every time I hear
How you never want to live a lie
How it's gone too far
And you don't have to tell me why

My latest experience with this came under the guise of inspiration. I had the idea to combine my coaching experience with musical collaboration. Fully dressed as another “A-ha!” moment for me, it lured me into starting a new project. I reached out to a few musician friends and got to drafting an interest poll. Then I began outlining the steps needed to turn all of this into an official venture.

As I went further down the rabbit hole, this initially uplifting vision started to give me The Ick. The more I brainstormed, the more plans I made, the more truths started revealing themselves.

This wasn’t what I wanted. It was just Hustle Culture in disguise.

I could very easily go off on another rant about the infectious nature of capitalism and the traumas caused by it, but I will spare you (for now). Instead, I want to remind you that even those of us who have been “doing the work” for years still fall for certain traps. Depending on how particular fears are rooted, our subconscious will always try to protect us. That’s it’s job. I think the main advantage, if you will, for the highly self-aware is that we learn to catch ourselves a bit earlier and perhaps recover more quickly.

How do we do this? For me, it’s comes down to remembering who I am. Not necessarily my labels, but as in knowing my core self. Understanding what fulfills me, accepting the responsibility of self-actualizing and tapping into the confidence that’s been forged by experience.

This is why I always return to music. It’s not merely entertainment; it’s a part of me. When everything else feels uncertain, confused, insane, music grounds me. It makes me pause and reflect. It reminds me of beauty and gives me hope for the human spirit.

But even if you’re not as deeply vested in music as I am, it can still offer a direct link to your authentic self. Music triggers emotions we might not be comfortable doing in other ways. It helps us feel connected with others and expresses those feelings for which words may be eluding us.

Hey, I know that it's hard for you
To say the things
We both know are true

In my opinion, music is magic. Yet it’s pretty rare that most of us interact with it without additional distractions; i.e. driving, work, doing the dishes. I’m intentionally taking time out of each day to engage with music on it’s own and encourage you to do the same. Try taking the time to use it as intended—let the music move you.

Whether you’re in the mood to discover new music or revisit old favorites, carve out a portion of the day to tune out all other distractions and LISTEN. You can just sit with it, dance, sing/play along, journal, make a mood playlist, share it with friends or whatever else it moves you to do. But let the music sink in and remind you of all you have to offer this world.

What part(s) of yourself have you been ignoring? What song(s) remind you of who you are and/or want to be? Share in the comments. I’d love to hear which tracks help re-calibrate and inspire you!

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