How to Go Easier On Yourself
From Self-Criticism to Self-Love
This was first posted on my original Substack, “What It’s All About”. Just in case it looks familiar, I promise it wasn’t plagiarized.
We all struggle with at times: being too hard on ourselves. I've personally never met anyone who isn't at one time or another harder on themselves than anyone else. Even with as much self-work that I've done over the years, I still frequently catch myself falling into this trap.
Most recently, while my life is truly better than ever, I've been struggling with all the things I'm not doing. Even while drafting this article, I'm also thinking about how I've been neglecting my Duolingo lessons. I have rushed through a lunch so that I can reply to emails (ew). Regardless of all that I have already accomplished in life, am involved in and currently working on, there's a part of me that believes I should be doing more; doing better.
Logically, I know this is nonsense. There is no one monitoring me. No one gauging my performance. No critics other than the one inside my head. And, yes, I'm well aware that this is a habit of thought ingrained by family trauma, peers and extraneous societal pressures. But I've done the work. I should know better.
Yes, my friends. I beat myself up for beating myself up.
The good news is that I have become much better at recognizing when I'm not being a good friend to myself as well as how to quell that inner critic. I've learned to use my emotions as a guide to understand what self-talk serves or harms me. And I've also found some useful tools to help re-empower myself to greater self-acceptance and even love.
Because, as I am constantly reminded, life isn't a sprint, it's a marathon with an uncharted obstacle course. And we can only do our best with what we've got. So, how about we take a deep breath, get a broader perspective, learn to go a little easier on ourselves and make the journey more pleasurable? In this article, I’ll share some personal insights and a few questions intended to help you reflect on your own path.
Believe me when I say, being kinder to yourself makes a world of difference!
Understanding Self-Compassion
First of all, we need to get on the same page about what self-compassion really means. It’s all about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you’d offer a close friend or loved one.
Most of us don't expect perfection all the time, every time from others. We realize that perfection is an overrated illusion. Yet, still, we are often our own worst enemies. There are a host of reasons why that is. In fact, the reasons can be as varied and complex as the individual. So, I won't delve into unpacking all of the possibilities here.
The focus of this article is how to start addressing the issue. And it will take practice. Be patient with yourself. As with any change of habit, it takes time and consistency to change your self-talk. The longer you've been entrenched in one way of doing something, the longer—and sometimes harder—it takes for a new pattern to develop.
The Importance of Self-Reflection
In my practice, especially, I talk about self-reflection a LOT. Using practices of reflection deepens self-awareness. And this is the crucial bit I think a lot of celebrity coaches/mentors fall short on. They mention the need for awareness to properly identify whatever change you want to make. But my personal experience, so far, has been they don't really offer the right tools.
Because the formats don't really allow for it.
Please note, that I'm not knocking anyone's work or approach. They certainly have value. But, you need to understand that at some point the anecdotes, inspirational quips and advice serve only to inspire you. To make measurable, lasting, effective change, YOU have to find and/or shape the unique keys that will unlock those special, individual and complex treasures you have hidden away.
To do that, requires asking the right questions.
This is why I decided to go into coaching. The International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines coaching as “.... powerful questioning and insightful dialogue... discovering your own solutions, whether for life decisions, career shifts, or business challenges. Coaching goes beyond surface-level improvements; it cultivates deep, lasting change.”
If you're not ready to hire an experience, certified coach, I get it. But I still want to help if I can. The next section offers a few questions to encourage you to start digging a little deeper. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage, get comfy, and get ready to explore!
Key Questions to Ask Yourself
What information do you have available right now to help you align a decision with your core value(s)? Give yourself some credit! You’re making decisions based on what you know at the moment. That’s all anyone can ask for.
What is your capacity to do better? If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s tough to make progress. In my heart, I believe that everyone has some capacity to learn and grow. The confidence to do so is built by remembering our strengths and knowing we can handle things as they come.
What small step could you take that would make you feel accomplished? Progress doesn’t have to be grand. Sometimes, confidence and resiliency muscles are developed with tiny steps. Celebrate each and every win to and keep your eyes focused on the direction you're headed.
What new opportunities/potential could come from your decision(s)? Each moment is literally an opportunity for a fresh start. You can always begin again, no matter what happened before. I like to recall the Henry Ford quote, "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right."
If you missed a step towards your goal, what can you learn from it and redirect or try again? Mistakes are just stepping stones on the path to success. The question isn't how to keep from falling; because you will. It's inevitable. The question is how do you get back up? Learn from your "failures", adjust your course, and keep going!
Finally, I want to close this section with a reminder: You are adaptable. Adapting to our environment is a condition of the human experience. We are genetic experts at it. If you can harness this skill with a growth mindset, it's like having a superpower! (Read the difference between positivity and growth mindset here).
Practical Tips for Going Easy on Yourself
Now that we’ve reflected on those questions, let’s get into some practical tips for cultivating self-compassion:
Journaling: Ask yourself one of the questions above and write down all the thoughts and feelings that come up. It’s a great way to process what’s going on in your head and heart.
Mindfulness & Meditation: Take a few minutes each day to breathe and be present. It can help you gain perspective and calm racing thoughts. Meditation—in whatever form you choose—also quiets the mind but also creates space for inner wisdom and creativity to shine through.
Set Realistic Goals: Aim for progress, not perfection. Break your goals into manageable, bite-sized chunks, and celebrate those milestones.
Get Support: Reach out to supportive friends, family, or professionals for feedback. A little encouragement and perspective from others can go a long way.
A Pat On the Back
If you will let me indulge for a moment, I'm going to give myself some kudos here. I gotta practice what I preach, right? My fellow writers can probably identify with that initial panic of trying to outline all the points they want to cover in an essay. I'm pleased this came out of me much more smoothly than I had anticipated. It's definitely not what I would call perfect but I am pretty proud of the content.
Dear Reader, I hope it resonates and you found something useful to take away. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Share which tips you might try or something that I missed. Or share an experience that you used to put yourself down for but upon reflection have learned a valuable lesson.
For my Paid Subscribers, I'm going to put a question in Chat. Let's get some convo going and support each other.
If you’re looking for more personalized support on your journey to self-kindness and growth, consider reaching out to me for one-on-one coaching. Together, we can explore your goals, tackle challenges, and create a plan that works for you.
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